Angst

I couldn’t get to sleep last night, I was mentally kicking myself for my poor performance at yesterday’s review.
After seeing all the video pieces I was aware that time was limited for seeing the rest of the work, so I was mindful of the need to hurry my presentation.
This resulted in me resorting to a panic tactic of rushing through my work and being dismissive and offhand about it. I fell into the trap of trivializing my work and I am cross at myself because I have worked hard and I feel that I have undermined myself. I feel stupid.
I don’t doubt that my work has depth, but sometimes I don’t always see it until later.
I do find it hard to articulate and own publicly because I don’t want to sound pretentious or self important so it is easier to gloss over the surface.
I kick myself over this and look to the examples of Mireille with her strength, intelligence and humility and to people like Robbie Rowlands with his quiet dignified confidence, and agonize about why it is that I am so unable at the final point to be supportive of my own output.
I realize that this is a long standing problem for me and is a defence mechanism against not being accepted. After all it is easier to cope with possible rejection if you pretend that you don’t care. Another part of me says for goodness sake JUST GROW UP!!!
This was an exhausting and powerful day for me.
David’s comments about the “breakthrough” in my work (The Street) have got me seriously considering where I am at artistically. I found the experience of doing the street piece actually less enjoyable (meaning that it was harder work) than all the experimentation I got involved with on the Nostalgia pieces.
I relate strongly with the theme of nostalgia and if I have any direction in my work at all I would have to say over all that that was it. But I am embarrassed about these now.
In the light of the weightier philosophical concerns being expressed by everyone else they seem pretty but vapid. They characterize a whole approach which is to do with creating a pleasing surface without any real engagement behind it. While this is valid for some circumstances ( I am thinking of a certain successful artist whose work I saw recently) and may even appeal to a mass market sensibility it is not where I want to place myself.
The Street and the Conversation pieces do have philosophical depths, so I know I am capable of this level of achievement even if I am not adept at expressing it yet.
Play and enjoyment are vital parts of the creative process and it’s easy for me to get comfortably stuck there. The challenge for me now is to actively invite some seriousness into my studio to balance my work which will allow me to feel that I have the right to consider it to be important.
This should then flow on to my being able to discuss my work without feeling pretentious or a fake
Thank you to everyone for mirroring myself back to me.

Endoftermitis

Another term gone, can't believe how fast the year is going.
Two weeks of "holidays" otherwise known as catching up time and then it's only weeks away from the end of the course. I feel quite nervous about this. Although I feel much more confident now about all aspects of my artistic work than I did at the beginning of the year I still have a fear that once away from the vital and stimulating atmosphere of the college that I will loose motivation.
Balanced against this is the knowledge that I have a huge backlog of work now to source for future projects, and an array of new skills For example here are some variously treated views of the ceramics room at college with help from Luna Park.

Abbotsford Convent

A great day yesterday.
We delivered our entries to the Aus College of Design feeling good that we had all had our work accepted in the competition
At the Centre for Contemporary photography we saw a mesmerising video work based on paintings by Breughal. The artist had animated many components of the paintings creating a moving landscape which added an entirely new dimension to the originals. I enjoyed the experience of this work.
After much scenic touring we arrived at the convent and ate a sumptuous lunch. We were then priveliged to view an installation by Rocio Roman entitled "Transmutacion".
The artist spoke to us about her work. She was dedicated, articulate and impressive.
I found the piece gentle, poignant, powerful.
We were then let loose with our cameras and here are some of my results.
I called this first one "The Wounded Wall"
It has connotations for me of the former sad history of the convent as a child care facility. While the walls may have provided much needed shelter for the children the methods employed by their "carers" often left much to be desired. Likewise, the cables providing the "life" to the building are brutally punched through the wall in contrast to the ordered way they are initially laid out.
Good intentions, bad execution









Two windows displaying delicate filigree surrounded by
lovely natural patterning from ivy which has been pulled off.

















A charming old shed and an awesome oak tree whose lower branches were resting on the ground.
It was too big to fit into the shot completely. Standing underneath it felt like being in a green cave, serene and protected. I could have stayed there for ages.

Whole lotta work

I'm past the first review process and it went better than I could have dreamed.
This course has really been fantastic, hugely stimulating and rewarding.
I am very pleased with my progress so far.
Ive put in 100% and I'm now feeling much more confident about my work and about my artistic future.

We made some poems last week as a creative thinking exercise.
I liked them so much I thought I would put my favourite one here, it is based on the poetry of Guillevic.

A Circle

Complete within myself
But not complacent
I am all
And I am nothing

I participated in a photo shoot using a model and light projections last Thursday.
It was exciting watching the play of light and trying to capture pictures in the dimly lit conditions.
I fired off lots of shots not really knowing if I would get any results.
I was using camera RAW which was fortunate because when I viewed them later the images were very dark.
However, after processing I found I had some stunning results.
Here is one which I have treated in Painter and Photoshop.
I think it's very evocative. The colouring and attitude of the pose puts me in mind of Van Gogh.

Thanks to Micheal Mavracik & pics

Thanks to Michael for the moody portrait on my profile.
Here are pics of some of the journal pieces done with various media
wire, pyrography on fomecore, pastel, frottage.

I finished the blue painting and now it's "holiday" time.
Which really means trying to tie up loose ends so I can begin on collographs, dream video and Mythology paintings.

Homework and Galleries

Saturday 14th March 09
Working on drawing assignment, 30 drawings of circles, triangles, squares using different media.
29 completed one to go. I've enjoyed this.

Trying to get some resolution on blue painting, finding it difficult. I may have misunderstood the initial brief.
Although I have culled many of my first ideas it still looks fragmented.
Debating whether or not to take the big step of gluing every thing down and then resolving the unity issue with paint later on.

The gallery visits yesterday with group were varied and very stimulating.
We saw the work of Rosalie Gascoigne which I thought was magnificent.
I was impressed by her use of natural and recycled materials and her exquisite rendering of form. After quick stops at the galleries along Flinders Lane we finished the day at the National Gallery viewing the video work of Bill Viola entitled "Ocean without a shore". I found this work disturbing and thought provoking and as I reflect upon it I am appreciating it more.
It was helpful to see the artist talking about his work on You Tube